Cheap Ass Market Research

On a generally intoxicated trawl of the web, occasionally stopping for a quick rest at random and repeatedly puzzling low-brow websites, almost forcefully splashed across my screen thanks to a Google toolbar pop-up which I can't seem to uninstall, I came across the following: http://news.newspaperproject.org/

As means of a brief summary, the website hawks itself as being formed “by a small group of newspaper executives to support a constructive exchange of information and ideas about the future of newspapers”. So, I thought I’d do my bit for the purest form of the written word and send Mr Executive a brief response, to the email address which they ask readers to contact with “questions, comments, articles or resource links”. Needless to say, I fucking nailed it in my subsequent correspondence - like the mild sense of awe after the initial flash of a sub-atomic bomb; shield ya eyes old boy! And the question consequently arises; will I get paid for saving their art form? Even some minimal level of expenses for spending this portion of my night directly in front of a 22” LG monitor. Warm white Russian to my left and to my right a blackened hash pipe which lost its gauze over 3 months ago. You need to suck it like the last dregs of a calypso ice pop to get even the slightest hint of THC out the fucker. Anyway, the letter…….



To Whom It May Concern:

I stumbled across the blog. It's something I've always liked the idea of: the continued use of hard physical data alongside the digital world we live in nowadays. There is something refreshing about it.

But aren’t newspapers, by their mere nature, doomed? With the constant change of the world toward a digital format, and the ever increasing focus on speed and efficiency; instantaneous delivery and receipt; surely the paper format is inefficient, uneconomic and obsolete?

Like I say, I support the romanticism at the very least, but it would take something truly spectacular to pull this one off. Change is the only option I would advise. Reporting on the things that really matter. And with this I by no means allude to the lapdog approach the mainstream media take at their most vicious. No, instead, I recommend a logical, balanced, educated, full-frontal assault on a government manipulating the world at every opportunity, whilst fooling and cajoling the media into placid obedience. Governmental bullshit and completely unchallenged artificial wars like those being served up on a regular basis by the US. Vietnam, El Salvador, Iraq, Afghanistan, and countless others. This is not a question of right or left, but right and wrong, and the wholly rational assumption that the majority of a countiries populous are genuinely good people.

And that, I’m sure you’ll agree, is all that is required to ensure newspapers survive in the future. Standing up for the majority who, when give the facts, will make the right choices for us all. Independence and truth weaved by skilled journalists, not the spineless half-dumb fuck-wits that seem to inhabit some newspaper offices up and down the country; more than happy to ignore the real story whilst regaling us with soul destroying trivia concerning the pseudo-tragic demise of the latest celebrity juggernaut. Fuck dumbing down. Let the people know the real truth and not the governmentally filtered garbage we currently get. And market yourselves as the last remaining bastion of free-thought. A steak through the heart of the Beast. Drive it home like a tent peg in horse shit! Proper journalism - objective and on the very cusp of the zeitgeist wave.

And this bleak assessment that you either grow a set of balls, or die, is reinforced by the on-line monopoly that Google and other such uber-massive corporations are currently compiling as we speak. As I’m sure you are more than aware (whether you care or not is something very different) – truth cannot be expressed when the four or five corporations who own hyperspace decide that the words appearing on any particular website are less than helpful to their currently very sweet deal.

Thus, in the not so distant future, it is entirely conceivable that all we have left pinned to the world wide web are filtered interpretations of the truth, who’s content changes ever so slightly depending on which side of the fence you happen to be standing on. Much like the modern mainstream press of today……Game Over.

So you see, in truth, you only have one long-term choice. The question is, do you live out the remaining years of your career in relative happiness, hoarding away a generous salary as the ship sinks less than gracefully - or do you change things now, before its too late.

The fact that you seem to have reached this conclusive point in my correspondence, excluding a quick scan for a signed name to aid in tracking this bastard down, would indicate that you may still have a soul. And if so, when do I start and what do you want me to do?

We need objective journalism.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,

Subliminal

P.S. A non-response will not be taken as a personal slur on the credibility of my analysis, but mere confirmation of the mainstream media’s contemptible lack of testicular magnitude and general character.