Picture the scene. A high-powered coroporate jungle, fleetingly enlightened by flashes of garbled genius in the form of confessional emails from under-paid, high-brow leaders in the field. I'll begin at the end, and let you piece this shit-storm together on your own.....
Lets just say the guy turned out to be a total ghoul......
(the following is a verbatim chronological reproduction of those faithful emails)
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Dear Sir
Man, I’m so fu*kin tired nowadays. Seriously, I find myself fantasizing about going back to bed in the hour or so after I actually wake up in the morning. It’s gotten to the stage where I’m praying for a sharp knock to the head, not enough to kill me, or even scar me, but just enough to knock me into a mild coma for a few months. No brain damage, but an extended rest of some kind. Hooked up to an I.V. drip, having some student nurse shave me clean every third day, bed rash and a slight puffiness around the face where a constant dribble of saliva has been gathering at the point of my chin…..absolute bliss. Totally oblivious to the sh*t storm unfurling around me, and happy as the proverbial pig in turd.
I usually only need about 8 hours sleep a day, and then 12 at night, and I can usually manage the remaining 4 hours quite productively. Amen to that, Brother.
I don’t know what it is, as it’s not as if I work overly hard during the day…I get by, but I’m not scaling heights unknown…..there is little reason, other than a malignant brain tumour the size of a well-fed grapefruit, that I should be suffering from such severe bouts of absolute fatigue. So there it is, I’ve pretty much admitted and surrendered to a terminal illness within an email which started off as a mere moan about a general feeling of lethargy. And all of this whilst I munch on a Greggs chocolate éclair, possibly for the last time if this life sucking tumor/leech, which we have all but agreed on, persists with its vicious work.
What I wouldn’t do for some form of even mild excitement. A workplace accident. Something. Anything. I cant even arrange any meetings. Im stuck in this chair for the next 2.5 hours…… this is not why I went to school….And it certainly wasn’t why I dragged my ass out of bed this morning.
Regards
Tim E. Mallett II
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In one word…..yes… the other day I realised something about myself which I hadn’t thought about until that actual time, me and my girl were talking about ghosts, ufo’s, religion and I was just ranting on about my beliefs and what happens in the afterlife and stuff when I said….”that’s why I am not scared to die, because 90% of the sh!t going on in the world is a lie, and I find comfort in the fact I think my my spirit will be going to a place of higher consciousness/intelligence, in a world where there is more reality and truth’…. So there you go, I realised that I do not necessarily want death, but ready for it at any given moment, because, like you, I too constantly find myself tired of my current motif of life….. I like your theory of a mild coma, however I think it would be very similar to a soap like neighbours or hollyoaks…. You can miss it for six months or a year, but you can switch it back on and its still the same old w@nkers, spouting the same ol sh!t.
On a separate note, its quite brilliant. I am currently, very subtly cleansing my birds religion. She is roman catholic…. Not ardent catholic, but brought up in a very strict catholic atmosphere and I am gradually making her believe that almost everything that she has been taught is a load of sh!t….i don’t come out and say that to her directly… but suggest little nuggets of info that sparks her mind when she thinks about it and think…yes, that does make more sense than what ive been taught, for example I have made her realise the scare tactics that her religion uses for them to keep the faith and to keep putting money into the church, and much more. I take grate joy out of undoing all the bull sh!t she has been taught since birth.
I know what you mean re-working, I do work when I have brief periods of motivation but by no means so I overly exert myself, the way I see it, im punching way above my pay grade as it is, so fcuk it!... I’ve only very recently found a way of amusing myself, anly started it yesterday. Am currently writing down my thoughts and theories and various subjects that I m interested in… who knows when I have enough material, I may even publish it into a book… probably wouldn’t sell much but at least I would get great enjoyment of going to a factory and watching my unsold units being ‘pulped’.
Regards
MC Hammer (sibling of Tim E Mallet)
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Ah, re-igniting the brotherly love between Mallet and Hammer….that was special.
I appreciate the fine work your doing re: your burd and her religion. I too have had the same absolute apathy towards death for quite a few years now. Clearly, not wanting it, but accepting it….like a 93rd minute Zed man dive in the penalty box….looking for the pen, but accepting a goal as consolation….
Motivation is something that occasionally flickers in and out of my reality. Like the vibrating strings that make up the dust in sub-atomic particles. Sometimes it has something to do with work, other times, absolutely nothing. Its times like these I look forward to. But they occur all too irregularly……it must be said, mostly when I’m jenged and contemplating the full picture.
Regards,
Wolf (of Gladiators fame)
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I think that I have made a connection between television and the state of affairs that we are in just now… from time to time I need to switch off and stop thinking about all this stuff im thinking of nowadays coz it makes me emotionally tired, and although I see tv as a mind control device I need it to take my mind off things. If I didn’t have entertainment in the form of television I think I would gradually slip into a state of extreme depression… one thing that I am thankful for, believe it or not, is you. Im glad that you are also open to such theories and don’t just instantly dismiss it like most people that I talk to about things like this. Its good to be able to share ideas between each other, or I would really go insane If I had nobody to talk to that takes stuff like this seriously or at leas with an open mind.
So there you go, I extend a straightened arm out to you and hail thee in Nazi Luftwaffe type greeting manner.
Regards
Supafly Jimmy Stooka
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And I return that salute, and synchronize it with a few swift blasts of my P5K standard issue German pistol (with teak-oak handle).
Regards,
Macho Man Randy Savage
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Ha.. I like it… firing a few rounds in the air as a salute…a hell of a waste of ammo but then, who cares, Hitler is paying…. And with a teak-oak handle to your weapon of choice… your motives are now clearer than my windows on a Sunday morning after stans miz/fiz has been doing his/her/its rounds… you would clearly rather look good first and win the war second as some sort of bonus…my highly polished chrome 12 gauge, pistol grip shotgun reflects those sentiments like two mirrors facing eachother.
Regards
Eavsy
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Indeed. The fact remains, that could be our downfall in this war. We’ve started to turn the thing into a fashion show…. “Style over substance” ….a near fatal mantra to adopt when you’re talking about global conflict on an unprecedented scale. My Calvin Klein denims are an absolute b@stard to crouch in the trenches in….whilst the newly released nazi RK12 sniper rifle, which utilises a fashionable twist at the end of the barrel which renders the aiming mechanism utterly useless, is a step too far.
And thus the war was lost amidst a flurry of DKNY ammo-belts and Armani-sponsored hand grenades.
Regards,
Byers
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Hitler’s moustache – the winner of facial hair fashion.
End.
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And on that note – what in the name of Christ was Hitler actually thinking???
To grow a moustache, then carefully cut either side away, so that all you have left is a narrow strip, say circa 35mm in width, plastered across the mid-part of your top lip…… what inspired him to partake in such absolute facial-hair lunacy? A lost bet? A spark of fashion genius? Severe mental illness?
UPDATE
Having spent a good while researching the answer to the above quandary, I would like to draw your attention to the paragraph below:
“A previously unpublished essay by a writer who served alongside Hitler in the First World War trenches reveals that the future Führer was only obeying orders when he shaped his moustache into its tightly-clipped style. He was instructed to do so in order that it would fit under the respirator masks, introduced in response to British mustard gas attacks. Had that order never been issued, the tyrant who brought most of Europe to its knees would be remembered as a man with a large Prussian moustache”.
So, there you go. Now you know. Hitlers tache style was nothing more than a necessity in order to survive British gas attacks…..However, this leads to the question: Why bother to even keep it at all??? Why not shave it all off instead of going down the Charlie Chaplin-esque route of comedy facial hair? To answer this, I’ve got a picture in my head of what happened when he was told to trim down his prized-tache…he basically went ape-sh*t at the thought of the enemy forcing him to loose his mowser, and would rather look like a grade-A-c0ck than suffer the indignity of the brits shaving him clean…..he was a stubborne bastard.
Regards,
Hemlut Khol
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Ha, and that my friend is the sh!t you pork your pine to…. I love that kind of knowledge, that is the type of fact that will stay with me for all my living days on this earth wether I like it or not. Thank you, yet another pointless fact in my brain that I can bring out the bag whenever someone mentions the man.
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My god man, I accidently sent this to someone in the address book with a very similar name to yourself.... Ive tried to re-call it but don’t know if it worked. My god. The man will think i'm insane. This is deadly serious.....
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Chill out man, im sure he'll find it mildly amusing. Only a pervert or a ghoul would think anything else.....
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